Drunk Ohio Moron Tries to Bang a Parked Van – Still Can’t Get Any

On Tuesday, an Ohio man was arrested after "attempting to have sex with a parked van". Seeing as how it was an "attempt", and not "successfully having sex with a van", it sounds like the van wasn't really into it, and didn't help out. No lube, no foreplay, probably didn't even buy the van dinner.

I didn't think Ohio women could be THAT scary-looking, for dudes to choose a van instead!

Apparently, about 8p.m. on Tuesday night, people began to call the police when they saw Michael Henson dropping his pants and swinging around on a stop sign. They really began to freak when he saw the sexiest van in town, and thought it would be a good idea to make the moves on it.

And by moves, I mean he thought it would be awesome to stick his wiener in the grill of the van. WTF?

You'd have to be really freaking drunk for that to be a sexy-time idea.

When police arrived in the area they found a man walking in the 1900 block of Deadwood Street only wearing black gym shorts and shoes. The report says the man, later identified as Michael Henson, appeared to be intoxicated.

via WDTN News

"He appeared to be intoxicated." Is that the understatement of the year? He's not wearing pants, and he's got his pecker shoved as deep into a van grill as he can get it. Does that sound like sober behaviour to you?

Well, maybe it is, for Ohio.