Steve The Web Guy Is Viciously Mauled By Fat, Old, Dumb, Declawed House Cat
I have been savagely and viciously attacked by a feline with no remorse. My cat, Zoey, drew blood upon my face last evening, biting me five times on the head. This is an act of outright defiance, that will not be forgotten.
My girlfriend, Brittainy, and I have two cats and are considering getting a dog. After the incident that left me bloody and scarred, we are still contemplating getting a dog. Some might say that we aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. Anyway, on to the story…
My friend Mike came over to watch the Michigan vs Michigan State basketball game (Go Green!) last night. When he came over he also brought his dog with him, which in the past had been no big deal. We have had several dogs over our house with no incident from either of our cats… Until last night. The dog and the cats went through the usual motions. One cat hid and was unseen for the night, and the other fatter dumber cat, Zoey, tempted fate and hung out under random objects on our main floor.
I heard some rustling in our spare bedroom and went to investigate. When I walked in, Zoey did something that I have never seen her do before, she jumped on the dog and began to wildly flail her little kitty paws. The dog, who is used to cats, thought that it was play time. Zoey bolted out of the room while the dog happily chased after her into our bedroom. Zoey quickly scaled the stairs to the attic and began to frantically try to open the door.
This is where I come in to the story. I had a sudden moment of clarity, and realize that I should put my poor frantic cat in the basement where she could avoid the dog and just hang out until they all left. I walked up the stairs and slowly picked up my startled cat and cradled her near my head. This would prove to be a huge mistake. As I descended the stairs back into my bedroom, I began to hear Zoey make some gurgling noises.
When the dog came in sight of Zoey, all hell broke loose. She frantically tried to jump from my arms, but I held her close because I wanted to get her into the basement as fast as possible. When I tightened my grip, she began to bit my face. Two quick bites to the ear, one penetrating directly though my ear lobe. The bitch pierced my damn ear! As I began to pull her away from my ear, she snapped 3 more times at my face, biting me on the check twice and once on the chin. After pulling her from the face, she bit me twice more on thumb.
She jumped from my arms as I unleashed a variety of well crafted obscenities from my lips. Zoey took refuge under my bed and I began dressing my wounds with the help of my girlfriend. After the incident I partook in some alcoholic beverages and cigarettes to calm my nerves.
I still like my cat, and I didn’t retaliate in any way. I partly fault myself for the incident since I didn’t put the cats in the basement before the dog arrived.
Now for a little background to the vicious savage in this story, Zoey. She is about 8-years-old, overweight, friendly, kinda dumb, and declawed. I got Zoey when she was 4 after my friend’s grandmother passed away. So in addition to her being virtually harmless, she was also brought up by a grandma… We didn’t know that she had such malice in her little kitty heart.
This story illustrates the downside of having cats… I got my ear pierced, as well as my chin, cheek, and thumb. Well, the one upside was I got my ear pierced… Hoop or stud?