Justin Divorce Chronicles Part 5-ish – Misery Loves Company
Mid August 2017.
Ever been through a divorce? Know the pain and turmoil?
Last Thursday I shared with the listeners that I am getting a divorce. I waited months to share the misery I'm currently going through out of pride. Getting a divorce is embarrassing! To me it's a failure. I have always viewed people who get divorced as weak people and quitters. After 5 years of marriage and a 9-year relationship, turns out I am now one of those 'weak people'.
I guess this is what I get for being judgey mcJudgey pants. Oops. I may be a weak person but I'm not a quitter.
My life motto has seemed to be 'too stupid to quit'. No matter what the situation is, I'm too stubborn to quit. I have a disgusting need to prove myself to people who doubted me. Also being my toughest critic doesn't make anything any easier. I need to change that about myself. I make my life more difficult than it needs to be by carrying around this big chip on my shoulder. People have ruled me out and doubted me my entire life, why at 30 can I not overcome that obstacle?
Watching Kate pack her personal belongings and move back to Seattle was hard to take. Living in a house full of stuff we accumulated together throughout our relationship is misery! Out of a broken heart, I want to donate it all or throw it all away. I just want to escape it for a minute, everywhere I go is a reminder of her and my dog Grizz. There is a voice inside my head telling me not to do anything out of anger or because I'm hurting.
I'm 100% alone and solo in Michigan. The only time I have human interaction with other people is at work. I have a handful of friends but no family here. I've never felt so alone and betrayed in my life. I try to get out of the house but it feels as if it hurts more being around people. I like the park. The park near my house has been a nice clear spot for me to think and reflect. I just wish I could get Kate off my brain and heart. My soul needs a break from what I'm feeling.
Divorces happen everyday and what I am going through is nothing new or special. I'm being told it gets easier with time...I'm holding on to that hope.
Two weeks ago during a commercial break of the show I needed coffee. While in the hallway I met a little dog named Snoopy who was there looking for a new home. Immediately, I could tell that Snoopy was sad and connected to him through his sad puppy eyes. Turns out, Snoopy and I have a similar life story. I decided to adopt Snoopy to give him the loving life he deserves. All that sounds sweet but I'm not sure Snoopy was ready for all that.
His transition to my house has not been easy one either one of us. Whatever happened to him in the past has stuck with him tremendously. He is constantly scared, timid and only shows love when he's eating. Snoopy also came with a long list of health concerns which I did not know about before adopting him.
Selfishly, I was hoping that Snoopy would help me mend my broken heart by showing me love and letting me love him. So far the love is only one-sided. I will give it time.
There's no cure or instructions on how to handle going through a divorce. Yes, people have advice, but I'd rather 'google' it then hear a sob story.
This is not a story or a journal. It's just my current thoughts. Yes I'm sure there are many punctuation mistakes, I don't care. It helps to write out my emotions.