The problem with sexiness is that it’s extremely relative (but not, we dearly hope, literally relative.) The slightest change in tone, glance, an unfortunate noise, and suddenly all that sexiness evaporates into awkwardness and frustration. Which makes going through an emergency room and the process of being bombarded with high-energy radiation the ultimate overkill for arousal.

X Ray Technicians see some spectacular things when they’re looking inside other people, and even though that’s peering into their bodies instead of their minds, the things they find can tell you an awful lot about their personality. And sometimes we really do mean awful.

1. Condom

Condoms are sexy in the same way ejector seats are part of fighter jets - they’re not actually the point, but you really need them if you’re going to do it safely. And they’re both based on capturing something important and preventing it from slamming into a target. One unfortunate (if extremely enthusiastic) woman was having problems with coughing and fever, and when she didn’t respond to conventional treatments a chest x-ray revealed the real culprit.

We can only imagine the challenges faced by the X ray technician working that day. How do you tactfully tell someone that they’ve accidentally sucked a condom all the way into their lung while giving fellatio? And is it against the medical code of ethics to ask for her number?

2. Sexual Aids

The upside of dildos and other sex toys is that they go right to the point. That’s their job. An X Ray Technician has to deal with all kinds of unlikely items inserted where the sun doesn’t shine, and it only gets embarrassing when people try to make up excuses. The benefit of the anally-inserted dildo is that there isn’t even the hope of excuse or embarrassment. Someone put that there because they liked the feeling, either front door or back door to cover all genders and angles, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Or at least there wasn’t until things went too far (we’re being literal again) and the x ray technician gets called in.

3. Vibrator

The first and only time modern sexuality will be connected to the 80s movie Breakin’, because the sequel is the same thing but electric. The circuitry and batteries can cause some subtle effects with the images, not to mention the urgency of getting it out again, which is why x ray technicians have special courses to prepare them for getting a unique view on human sexuality.

4. “Balloon Attached To A Cylinder”

We wouldn’t believe this ourselves, but it comes from a medical summary in Surgery magazine - which means you shouldn’t feel sorry for the x ray technician who saw it, but the surgeon who had to go in after the contraption. A moment’s thought will reveal that it’s a low budget “stimulation system”, though that may be a moment’s more thought than you’ll wish you’d given the idea. It seems that our sensual MacGuyver got the insertion and inflation aspects sorted, but perhaps a little extra work on grip and connections might have been a good idea.

5. Platinum Engagement Ring

The mercenary minded always connect sex with money, and there’s a lot of truth to that. Give someone a platinum ring and they’ll be moved by your generosity, but that’s assuming the ring came from a jewelers. Instead of your colon. One Englishman decided to save a little money by eating a ring in the shop, on the very mistaken grounds that a jeweler selling multi-thousand pound trinkets would just shrug and go “Hmmm, guess I lost it.”

It turns out the police can be very patient when it comes to crime, especially when they involve an X ray technician to prove that the contraband is indeed inside the perp and making its slow, steady way to an escape point.

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