The 5 Most Kick-Ass Paralegals

Being a paralegal in just about any minor or major law firm is usually a very thankless but important task in the legal world. Without them, high priced attorneys and lawyers would be living under mountains of loose, unorganized paperwork and accidentally calling their clients by their wrong names, probably just after they’ve taken the witness stand. Some, however, have managed to go above and beyond not just the call of their professional duty, but the expectations placed upon them in their own lives.

1. The community college paralegals who defeated the big league school in a mock trial

Holding mock trials for college students who are barely wet behind the ears and probably very wet on other parts of their body from all the sweating that fresh nerves bring might not sound like the stuff that epic blockbuster dramatic films are made of by Hollywood elite. However, if Hollywood would to turn this story into a major motion picture, it could become “The Bad News Bears” meets “The Rainmaker” meets “Animal House” with a few creative additions to the script, strictly for entertainment purposes.

In 2006, a group of Elgin Community College pre-paralegal students in Illinois entered a mock trial competition that featured some very heavy hitters including students from Wake Forest, Dartmouth and Wellesley. In fact, the tournament usually only accepted Ivy League schools to compete but they were able to score a spot when another team dropped out at the last second. The team not only beat some of the biggest and brightest legal students in the nation including an impressive win against Yale’s team but they also made it all the way to the final round.

2. The “eye-diverting” trial paralegal

It’s no secret that attorneys have some kind of mutant superpower to bend the basic rules of common decency and morality by skirting around ethical issues and rules with the skill of a tightrope walker. If, however, this was a tactic that the attorney actually employed to divert the jury’s attention, his opponent’s objection should immediately be overruled on the grounds of extreme ballsiness.

A Chicago lawyer filed a complaint with a judge in a small claims civil case against his opposing attorney and her rather attractive paralegal who sat with him in the courtroom, claiming that her large bosoms was causing the jury to pay less attention to the relevant proceedings and more towards the paralegals rather impressive, well, “proceedings”. The opposing attorney took great offense to the motion, not just because of the outrageous accusation against her clearly qualified paralegal but also because she happened to be his wife.

3. The “Motel Child” who became a paralegal

Stories of overcoming adversity and low standards can inspire even the most lowly soul in this universe. It’s inspiring to know that with a little determination and a lot of drive, anybody can do anything at any time for any reason. That’s why I’m hoping I can will the Earth to move farther away from its orbit so we don’t have as hot of a summer as the last one.

California resident Roxy Johnson found herself in the same situation, growing up as a “motel child” in a poverty stricken family forced to live in cheap and sleazy motels to avoid becoming completely homeless. A nonprofit organization took her in and helped her turn her life around and not only get her back on her educational path but also a path that led her to college and a potential career as a paralegal. Her drive to make something of herself also inspired her family and gave them hope that they could achieve the same goals in life and helped them pull themselves out of the motel life for good.

4. The paralegal who got locked in a bar overnight

There are a million hypothetical scenarios that people love to go over in their minds and just wonder at the sheer joy they would have of being locked in a candy store or becoming invisible at a strip club. Just imagine the guts of the guy or gal in a real world version of that situation who does not take advantage of the luck bestowed upon them.

A New York City paralegal was living it up one night in a Brooklyn bar and apparently got so drunk that when he went off to the bathroom and fell asleep in the john. The owners eventually closed up for the night and locked the paralegal inside it for more than 12 hours. During his very long wait for the owners to return, he didn’t take a single drink for himself, even though he had been locked in a booze Valhalla, and only the occasional morsel of food to keep his energy going as driven to find a way to free himself from the steel caged bar.

5. The paralegal who helped people make it out of the World Trade Center

The word “hero” gets thrown around a lot when it comes to the people who responded to the fall of the Twin Towers on Sept. 11, 2001 and rightfully so. An untold number of brave men and women not only risked their lives to make it home to their families and friends safe and sound, but they also rushed into danger when no one asked them to to help make sure that other people could reach the same conclusion.

One paralegal was on the 52nd floor when the first plane hit and it took her over an hour to work her way down a very small stairwell and past very grisly scenes of blood and falling bodies to make it out of the building in time. It took her an hour because instead of running in fear for her own life, she actually stopped to help usher people from the office into the stairway and clear a path for the first responders to make it up through the badly damaged building to help reach others in time.