It’s no secret that I’m not a huge sports fan.  I enjoy watching a game on TV or in person, but I am by no means a sport head.  In fact, people that are a little too in to sports, and we all know one of those people, make me sad.  It’s time to cut the cord and ween yourself off of suckling on the sports teet.  With the Super Bowl (yes, I said SUPER BOWL) just days away, I present to you my top six reasons to not bother watching the game this and every year.

  • 6

    Nobody Remembers Who Wins

    After an impromptu poll where I questioned the mail lady, my dog Lola and the guy at Little Caesars, only one of the three remembered who won the Super Bowl last year. It’s throw-away knowledge. You’re not going to remember who won anyway!

  • 5

    Bean Dip Can Be Enjoyed Anytime

    Ten simple words: Seven layer mother freakin’ refried bean and sour cream dip.  That orgasmic concoction of edible beauty isn’t gonna eat itself, so saddle yourself up to the kitchen counter and dig in.  If others get too close, throw some ‘bows to clear the room.

  • 4

    John Madden Retired

    Let’s face it.  Since John Madden retired, watching football is not nearly as enjoyable.  Never again will we hear quotes like “He takes it up the a-hole” and “You hate to have too much time to stew in your own juices” (both are actual Madden quotes).  All other broadcasters pale in comparison.  Besides, those Madden wanna-bees on the broadcast B-team can’t work the telestrator like ‘ol Johnny boy. 

    Scott Halleran/Getty
  • 3

    You Aren't Going To Win The Office Pool

    Chances are, you won’t win the box pool that the guy at the office has been bugging you about putting in money for.  Chances are even higher that he’s skimming a bunch of cash off the top and NO ONE will win.  You wanna put some money on the game?  Get in touch with your friendly neighborhood bookie.  He’s much more reputable!

  • 2

    You Can Still Mock The Losing Team

    One of my favorite things to do is to not watch the game, then mock the losing team on Facebook.  Die-hards of the team that lost will hate you and try to pick a fight.  All you have to do is stand your ground with responses like “But your team lost”.  This is especially useful with Giants fans, who are the biggest Facebook (and real life) s-talkers of them all

  • 1

    The Internet

    All of the commercials will be on YouTube by Monday anyway.