Having been born in the hills of Virginia and raised in a small rural Florida town, I know a thing or two about celebrating Valentine's Day the way of the redneck. Follow along as I traverse with you the annals of love as only a guy who once courted girls named Anna Fran Rose & Ouida Lynn Charmin can.

  • 5

    White Castle Has Nothing On You

    Just like you regular folks like to do, we hillbillies like to take our cousins (and in some cases Sisters) to dinner on Valentines Day. Thing is, we ain’t waitin’ in no long line for a mater-dee to tell us where to sit. Not when there is a perfectly fine paint chipped empty picnic table a sittin’ out back. So sit your southern belle down on one side of the picnic table (CAUTION: make sure the other side of the picnic table is weighted down so as not to have the poor girl topple over from her extreme weight due of course to her thyroid problem) and prepare to wine and dine! Start off by keeping your main courses narrowed down to either Possum Innard Chipolatas or Raccoon Kabobs as to avoid the embarrassment of which Boney Farm Chardonnay to serve. I’ve found that the2012 Kountry Kwencher washes down the urinary after-taste best, so go with that.

  • 4

    Woo her with Bromance

    After you’ve filled her gullet with such fine cuisine it’s time to fancy things up with a romantic waddle over to your hot tub. But what is this?  Your toothless bro from two trailers down has invaded your J-Mart wading pool (aka “Hot Tub”) No probs here bro as you can count on him not to come over empty handed and sure as hell, he immediately tosses you a Beer. Besides, after the dinner your woman just sank, she’s porked up another 10-12 pounds and lets face it, you’re gonna need some help throughout the night keeping all that 310 pounds of southern belle happy. Thanks bro.

  • 3

    Poetry in Motion - Giggity

    Highly unlikely you’re as wistful with the words as the famous hillbilly poet Ray Stevens. No worries man, I gotcha back. Thanks in kind to da boys in Lynyrd Skynyrd. Try this out on her:
    “Well, I'm going down to the swamp Gonna watch me a hound dog catch a 'coon You know the hound dog make a music On a summer night under a full moon”

    Yeah ya…that’s what I’m talkin’ bout. She’s putty in your hand now boy."

  • 2

    The Presentation Of The Presents

    I’m torn on which direction to take you when it comes down to V-day Presents. I’ve narrowed it down to two. The Earrings that can double as fishing Lures are always a favorite but a Beer Belt she can wear around the house and give you access to a cold one immediately upon a quick whistle has its appeal. Tell ya what. Gonna let you make the call here after-all, you benefit either way right?

  • 1

    V-Day Sex Coupons aka: “The Closer”

    My closer has always been the sex coupons. I’m not talking the lame back rub coupon or nibble on her elbow for 2 minutes coupon. I’m talking the full blown you, me and the blow up doll baby! If she insists on romance have one in your back pocket that reads “Good for one sex session with just you and me baby. No sisters, aunts, dogs or any small farm animals." It’s not as fun but it’ll allow you to bank a favor to get something you want down the road.