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I Review Some 80′s ‘Classics’

I once told my old “way too into movies” roommate that most of the movies that movie snobs consider to be classics sucked. I did this mostly because I thought it was funny that such a simple statement could tick him off, but I really did and still do believe that. I’m sorry, but “The Godfather” series were some of the worst movies ever made. They just

don’t stand up to newer generation gangster flicks like “Goodfellas” and “Casino”. This cynical way of looking at old movies, of course, never stopped me from watching them. In fact, half the time, I’ll pick a movie I think will be terrible over a good one because ,as much as I love a good movie (probably more than my parents), I REALLY love to hate a bad one. So, good or bad, I’m on a perpetual mission to catch up on the classics, if for no other reason than to know what friends I should look down on based solely on their movie picks.

Top Gun

It was always an embarrassment when, after having a “Top Gun” reference thrown my way, I would have to sheepishly reply “I never saw it”. This statement, in reference to what I was lead to believe was the greatest love story ever written, was typically followed by overtly stunned looks and an exclamation of “You never saw ‘Top Gun!”.

I didn’t actively search for it. No, despite this clearly being the most amazing movie ever, I decided to wait until it popped up on my cable guide. After many months of continued humiliation in being the only jerk to have never seen this masterpiece, it appeared. I quickly scrolled down to highlight the channel and hit select! My excitement level went through the roof as I settled back to watch the movie that made Tom Cruise the insane celebrity he is today.

I watched in utter non-amazement as jets prepared to take off to a soundtrack of deep synthesizer music. What’s this? The synth stops abruptly. I learned that this was merely a tip wetter. It’s time to get crazy now that “Danger Zone” has kicked in. This lets me know that it’s time to be blown away by jet pilots completing intricate aerial maneuvers. The only thing that could bore me more at this point would be an actual air show.

Some people would have quit right there, but not I! I stuck around for the entire thing. There was no way I was going to miss out on all the bad dialogue and poor acting. Despite all that was wrong with the movie, they at least had the decency to give us a stunner as a leading lady. Oh wait, never mind, she’s totally average… in an

ugly sort of way.

Cocktail

This viewing came to be the exact same way as “Top Gun” … my DVR was empty and I was too lazy to read.

This has to be the worst, most ridiculous movie ever made! I’m serious about that. I don’t think anything this bizarre was released prior to or after this movie. I don’t have the energy to tell you what’s wrong with every part of this movie… just trust me. Unlike Top Gun, I did not have the courage to soldier on till the end. This movie may end with my TV giving me the greatest blowjob ever, but I’ll never know. Should I have made it that far, I’m guessing I would have ripped off my unit to dull the pain of the film anyways.

Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink

I’ve enjoyed almost every single John Hughes movie I’ve ever seen. That’s no joke… I really did. Then again, I hadn’t really made an effort to watch any of them after ditching my “I should like this because it’s a classic” mindset. Yes, I can appreciate that these movies paved the way and inspired future filmmaker/comedy writers. But that doesn’t change the fact that these flicks are totally dated and filled with porno level acting. Seriously, stick a funky new wave outfit on my Mom’s vagina, have it queef out a few lines, and it could have out-acted Molly Ringwald. I personally may have enjoyed that even more… I mean if it wasn’t my Mom’s V… as far as you know. I salute the decision makers in Hollywood for coming to their senses and putting an end to the “Brat Pack”, though that could have come quicker*. Except Rob Lowe, he still rocks.

* Weekend at Bernies. Nuff said

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