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Everything You Need To Know About Attending Wingstock 2012 Today

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Wingstock 2012 gets underway today and in order to keep good times maximized and arrests minimized, we’ve produced the following list of information.

Gates open at 4pm.  But if you’re sneaking in by climbing over the outfield wall, then you can get there whenever you want.

Show Time: We wake Gunnar & The Grizzly Boys from their drunken stupor and place them first on stage at 5pm.

Parking: Parking is just $8.00 or park outside the park and risk getting hit by a car on your way back to your vehicle attempting to cross West River Drive on a Saturday night.  And don’t park at AJ’s they get mad when you take up all their spots cause you don’t want to fork out parking money. They’re a local business,  please don’t mess things up for them.

Tailgating: It sucks but Tailgating is not allowed at Fifth Third Ballpark.

What about Food and Drink Yo: You can stuff a bottle of whiskey up your anal cavity and sneak it in but no Coolers, cans, bottles, or food will not be permitted in the ballpark.  In cases of extremely hot weather, Whitecaps management may allow water bottles into the ballpark and it’s gonna be hot today so bring some water…not Vodka.

Smoking: Smoking for medicinal purposes should be done at home prior to the concert or covertly in the parking lot because Fifth Third Ballpark is a smoke-free facility. You may smoke outside of the outfield gate, however, a ticket is required for re-entry.

Concessions: Of course after you’ve violated the no smoking rule cause you’re using it for “medicinal purposes,” nothing calms a bad case of the munchies like a stroll down the concourse – Fifth Third Ballpark’s concessions are located all along the concourse and Pioneer State Mutual Insurance Deck, with main concession areas located near the main entrance on either side of home plate and satellite concessions located throughout the concourse.

Where’s the Beer: A beer station will be set up on the field for field goers. For those too cheap to pay extra $5 for a field ticket, you’re taking a stroll along the concourse to fetch your brew.

Of course, along with the responsibility of drinking brews comes this…..

Alcohol Management: In compliance with Michigan state law, blah, blah, blah, anyone under the age of 21 will not be served alcohol at Fifth Third Ballpark. If customers wish to consume alcohol while at Fifth Third Ballpark, blah, blah, blah,  they must have their hand stamped. Customers can get their hand stamped at any alcohol sales location. Blah blaaaahhhhh, Violators of the law will be removed from Fifth Third Ballpark. As part of our alcohol management policy, the Whitecaps offer free cab rides.

ATM: If you have any money left after a night of hookers and blow, there is a Fifth Third Bank ATM is located behind home plate near the first base main entrance.

Pissers: Remember this isn’t your house, so feel free to pee and vomit all over with no concern for the sanitized safety of no one else…really no worries.  Your bio-hazard receptacles are located on the concourse level on the first and third base sides, as well as on the DTE Energy Suite Level and behind the Pioneer State Mutual Insurance Deck. All of the restrooms at Fifth Third Ballpark are wheelchair accessible.

Barrier-Free Seating and Parking: If this is how you roll, the Whitecaps have wheelchair spaces in the box, reserved Pepsi Stadium Club, the General RV Campground and Miller Lite House Deck seating sections, each with at least one chair to accommodate one companion per wheelchair. Elevators are located on either side of the ballpark to take fans to the box seat level. The Pioneer State Mutual Insurance Deck, the General RV Campground, Centennial Securities Dream Deck and the DTE Energy Suite Level are also barrier-free. Fifth Third Ballpark has handicapped reserved parking spaces in all lots. Proper identification is required to use these spaces.

First Aid: Should you pass out from the heat (wink wink) The First Aid station is located on the concourse level behind home plate. The first aid station is staffed by certified personnel from Spectrum Health.

Lost and Found: Should you lose a child or a water bong – Lost and found items can be taken to and retrieved from the Johnson Carpet One Customer Service Center, located on the concourse behind home plate.

Paging: Anybody attempting a Free Beer & Hot Wings PA Prank will kicked in the nads and publicly humiliated. The public address system at Fifth Third Ballpark will be used for paging in extreme cases only. Those needing to page someone should report to the Johnson Carpet One Customer Service Center located on the concourse behind home plate.

Pepsi Stadium Club: This where the GRD After Party will be.  Free Beer & Hot Wings and all the bands will be hanging out here afterward.  IT WILL require a ticket to get in.  If you haven’t purchased a ticket yet, you may do so at the box office anytime during the concert. We’ll also have awful door prizes and a full bar….so we can keep our party on! (alright that was gay)

The Pepsi Stadium Club is located behind the right centerfield wall.  Just look for the most drunks at the conclusion of the concert

Security: Big dudes in T-Shirts marked “security” are ordered to keep your ass in line should you choose to be a douche – so please have a damn good time but check your bad behavior. The security office is located behind the Pioneer State Mutual Insurance Deck in the outfield ticket office.. In the event of a security problem, notify a member of security, a member of the Whitecaps staff, or report to the security office.

Souvenirs: We will have a limited amount of Wingstock T’s available for sale on the concourse.  Please buy one because we’re trying to make enough money from the sale of our T’s to hire a new General Manager.

Automobile Assistance: After being verbally assaulted for impeding Wingstock traffic flow – Those who encounter vehicle troubles while visiting Fifth Third Ballpark may receive assistance from Whitecaps staff. If your vehicle won’t start or you need some help, simply lift the hood of your car or contact a Whitecaps representative.

Ticket Office Hours: Will be open even after the concert starts but if you’re waiting for Dokken to be done before you buy your ticket, you will be bummed cause only two acts remain after their performance.

Video Board Messages: No stupid messages of love – only chicks lifting their tops will be shown and that could be good or bad. View at your own risk.

Rain Checks: there will be none cause this is happening rain or shine!

Well that’s all I can think of right now.  If you have any other questions just ask any of our crabby volunteers who are temporarily drunk with power because they wear a laminate around their neck and you don’t.  See you there!

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