masturbation

So, they're saying we should do our civic duty and masturbate or bang our roommates while we're in quarantine? Ok. Source: Twitter

Sadly the skit never saw the light of the screen but the memory of his first "breakout role" will never be forgotten. Source: UPROXX

We've heard of some wild "get fit quick" tips but this is a new one. In a recent interview, Tyson Fury not only showed us his vocal talents, but also admitted to masturbating up to 7 times a day to "keep the testosterone pumping." Tyson Fury on ways he's preparing for Wilder: "I'm masturbating 7 times a day to keep my testosterone pumping...

Now, the dealership is suing Mr. Pervy Bastard Haskins for $38,000. The total damages to the vehicles and property from his jaunt only came to $12,129.55...so why $38k?

Over the weekend, a pirate overtook the airwaves of the British radio station Mansfield 103.2 and played 'The Winker's Song' eight times.

Archeologists have found something like 1,500 preserved bodies in the ruins of Pompeii. When Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79CE, a lot of the people in the town were killed so quickly, it's thought they wouldn't have even felt any pain. This guy might have been feeling something else.

I've never heard of "cranking" before this, and now I fear it's like "The Ring". I can only escape the clutches of this disturbing new knowledge by sharing with unsuspecting innocents. I apologize in advance for inflicting this upon you.

If you follow those silly "National Holiday" sites that have celebrations for every single day of the year, you will know what to celebrate today, and how. If not, I have some help for you ladies, since today is the day for you to get drunk and masturbate, apparently! Today is both National Drink Wine Day, AND National Battery Day!

Patty Parsons, the Internet's most recent clueless mom, recently posted a photo on Twitter of her son's masturbation toy, asking people what it was. The Internet, in all its cruel glory, was kind enough to explain it to her in graphic detail. Her poor CJ (son), has now been outed as a shower masturbator to the entire world.

Okay, not JUST to be more healthy. It's also pretty fun. But what about the blind thing, or the hairy palms? I have a tincture I can sell you for that. Seriously, there are apparently a LOT of health benefits to solo flights. It's actually a workout for some muscles down there, it keeps poisons out of your junk, helping keep you from getting cancer...it's even better for your swimmers!