While it may be an annual event, the Kentucky Derby is full of rich tradition most of us do not know about nor care about. It involves large, floppy hats and overly priced drinks for rich, white people to indulge in while the rest of us wonder what in the world is actually happening. But one thing it does have is over-sized beasts sprinting around a circle with slightly taller than little people aboard them. For two minutes, that is definitely worth the watch. Considering nobody follows horse racing, (if you do, what are you doing reading blogs on this site?), we here at WGRD have decided to handicap the big race this upcoming weekend, albeit with one minor hitch. Considering our lackluster knowledge of the event, we will rank the four best and worst horses based on their names alone. Here goes nothing...

  • 4

    WORST: Alpha

    One word? And a greek letter at that? Ugh. Alpha sounds like a name of a character you might make up as crime fighting world superheroes when you are a child. In other words, it is pretty stupid. To see that this is only the fourth worst name of the year speaks to how truly awful this entire field is.

  • 3

    WORST: Optimizer

    See: Alpha (above)

    Any time your horse's name makes people think of what they want to do with their internet connection speed, you are in some serious trouble. These people might as well just name these beasts "Speed" and "Go Fast."

  • 2

    WORST: Prospective

    Prospective what? Is this horse a prospect, working its way through the minor leagues just like a baseball player? Will this horse, too, be listed among the top 50 prospects of an organization in some annual magazine for mythical horse scouts to predict? Synonyms for "prospective" include: Soon to be, upcoming, likely, probable and forthcoming. These owners purchased a horse for way too much money, trained it with a way too expensive trainer and housed it in a facility that surely costs too much money and then essentially named it "Maybe"? Wow.

  • 1

    WORST: Take Charge Indy

    There is nothing worse than making your horse's name an active command. This likens to allowing one's toddler children to name their family pet. Next thing you know, you have a dog named Fruit Loops and a cat named Peanut Butter (if you have animals named this or similar to this, we will not apologize for insulting you). Sports teams like the Green Bay Packers have chants saying "Go, Pack, Go!" and the Alabama Crimson Tide have "Roll, Tide, Roll!" but nowhere is anyone in any stands screaming "Take charge [insert name here]!" You know why? That is stupid. As is this name and the odds on winner for the worst name in the Kentucky Derby.

  • 4

    BEST: Bodemeister

    This just sounds like a high school kid received a horse as a birthday gift and named it what his friends thought would be funny. Remember American Pie's Stiffler going by "Stiffmeister?" Yeah, that was in 1999, but at the very least, this name can give you a chuckle. With a weak crop of names this year, that alone will get you into the top four!

  • 3

    BEST: My Adonis

    A quick google search tells us that this horse is on the outside looking in of an overly crowded Derby field. For our sakes, it better make it! Anyone with the gull to name their horse with even the slightest reference to the much overplayed Charlie Sheen meltdown deserves fan support as much as possible. And ridicule. Respect for the public shaming of this horse must be revered.

  • 2

    BEST: Daddy Long Legs

    Simple, but effective. While some of the other horses have one word names like 1997 WWF (now WWE) wrestlers, these owners opted for the not often uses three word name approach. While it isn't quite good enough to become our favorite for the race this Saturday, it is still good enough to be our second best.

  • 1

    BEST: Daddy Nose Best

    The prohibitive favorite at the Kentucky Derby this year is a name with some innuendo and a play on words. Now, puns may be for children and immature idiots, but come on, they have to make you crack a smile at least. Hearing the announcer yelling "Daddy Nose Best leads the pack around the corner" is something we can only hope for during the race.

    Who knows if Daddy Nose Best will win or no? (See what we did there? Yeah, we know. Sorry.)

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