An Interview With Fred Durst’s Wig
WARNING: What you are about to read is a parody. No one actually interviewed Fred Durst’s wig. Ed note: The wig is only doing TV.
Lollapalooza, Chicago, July 31, 2021. Limp Bizkit takes the stage. At once, the crowd utters a collective gasp. Eyes widen. Tongues wag. Beers hit the ground. Fred Durst had just changed the game. Fred Durst was wearing… a wig.
Did we have any other choice for Wig Of The Year? Obviously not. Loudwire’s Todd Fooks was able to sit down with Fred Durst’s Wig for this exclusive interview.
LW: Wow… uh, excuse me for staring. You’re even more beautiful in person.
WIG: Thanks, I get that a lot. When I’m off the clock, you know, not on Fred, I don’t have to worry about how he looks. Wigs have “bad person days” all the time.
Sure. That must be tough.
Hey, let’s not get things twisted! I’m very happy with Fred. Really, it’s a great honor. His head is spectacular, very egg-like. You’ve seen it, right?
I have. I mean, most of the time with the backwards red cap on it, but…
Don’t get me started. The cap and I, well… let’s just say we aren’t on good terms. Somebody might be feeling a little left out.
Maybe we should start with how you and Fred met? How you got the job?
Ok. It’s not terribly unusual. Like most wig and head relationships these days, we met online.
Oh, I didn’t know there was a site for that.
Wherewhitepeoplemeetwigs.com. It’s more popular than you think. Reputable. People are screened for their intentions, like, for just ON THE HEAD business. I could tell you stories… [trails away] Anyway, Fred passed the vetting process and before I knew it, I was on a plane to LA.
Where were you coming from?
South America. Chile, Peru. I was made from an Llama mostly, with a bit of Alpaca thrown in. That’s where I get my kinkiness from. [laughs]
I see, so you are a “mail-order” rug.
Hold up. That term is offensive to us in the hairpiece community. A “rug” is something you step on. I am something you wear, and it requires my consent. Anything else is hairassment.
Sorry, fair enough. I didn’t know. Were you nervous meeting Fred for the first time?
VERY. I was intimidated. Fred’s head has entertained millions of people. My role is to incubate the dopest rhymes that come out of there. “Did it all for the nookie, the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your yeah?” Fuckin’ poetry, man. So, it’s a lot of pressure. Luckily, I fit perfectly. And I think you can tell, the results are magic.
And Fred is very gentle. And kind. At the risk of oversharing… I feel like we complete each other.
WIG PERFORMING AT LOLLAPALOOZA 2021
You’ve got a kind of a Richard Branson vibe.
That’s flattering. Honestly, I try to pattern myself after Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused. But I’m doing it for the more mature man. Certainly going for Dad vibes. It’s quite the balancing act.
How has being thrust into the spotlight affected you?
It’s daunting, but I’m trying not to let it go to my head. (smiles, realizing the irony.) Let’s face it, I’m a show pony. I know when I’ve got to be on. Onstage, high-profile dinners, charity functions… I’ve got to look my best for the ‘gram. But I’ve got most of my days free. I’ve been doing some yoga. I want to be flexible, but not split at the ends. Mostly I’ve been trying to stay in shape with my trainer and stylist. I love a good shampoo and a blow job!
So what’s next for you and Fred?
Just trying to take life as it combs. #BLESSED. I know this is my brush with fame. I just have got to keep my eye on the prize and make Fred look good. It’s his way or the highway. I don’t want to get replaced with plugs. Or that dumb red cap. If I did, I would just dye.