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Why Obama, Romney Should Face Off in Game Show/Variety Hour Debate

Every four years Americans march to the polls in order to keep democracy alive. Many of the voters have deep-rooted political views which will not be changed by the upcoming political circus. Because of this, the “undecided” voter becomes crucial in electing a leader, and shaping the future of the country. Over the next few months you will see the undecided wined, dined and romanced to no ends.

But politicians must ask themselves, how do you get the attention of the man who is more concerned with Instagram than the issues? The answer is through entertainment. Replacing the debate with a “game show/variety hour” will tap into the little attention span America has left. Not only will it step away from the real issues for a night, but it will give us a chance to get to know the candidates. With this in mind take into consideration my “new debate format”

Project Presidential Debate

First thing, the debate would be moderated by the judges from Project Runway. They’d constantly use catch phrases like “Pulling. It. Off.” and “Your plan to fix the (Economy, Health Care System, Adam Sandler Movies) is so 2000 and late”. Since the debate is more about pandering than the issues these “moderators” serve more to make (sassy/spunky/fun) comments about the candidate’s outfits and posture.

Moments before the debate begins both candidates will ride out motorcycles sporting beautiful leather jackets. The moderator will set things off with the question on all American’s minds, “Who is pulling it off”. I think we’ll all agree that with his salt and pepper hair and broad shoulders (as broad as all America) Mitt does looks like a work of American art. But at the same time, Obama is a bit cooler and you can just feel like he “owns” that hog. I can really imagine an “indie neon velvet” painting of Barack on a Motorcycle hanging in a studio apartment in Brooklyn. These things in consideration, if a tie breaker is needed then a Bald Eagle will be set free. Whichever candidate’s shoulder it decides to land on will be deemed “The Most American”. The winner will then wear the American Flag in a “cape fashion” for the remainder of the debate.

Next up is the speed round in which Mitt and Obama have to answer questions like “Are you a Belieber?”, “Who is the cutest Directioner?” and “What do you beliebe is the best foreign policy plan?” Candidates will be forced to sing and dance their answers to the High School Musical tunes of their choice. The winner will be decided by a group of teenage girls who judge the candidates on three main categories. Best Dancer, Best Singer and Most Pizzaz/Cutest. A perfect 3, or a “Zac Efron” is undoubtedly a big advantage to winning this debate/talent show.

After that is the bathing suit contest. This section probably won’t prove much since most voters have pre-determined views on the male form. If you’re into a little chest hair, as well as a body type that screams “I’m a well-aged David Hasselhoff” then pile a big helping of Mitt onto your political plate.

Feel free to wear your red swim trunks as you slow-motion run to the ballet boxes this November. But if you like a little “brown sugar” in your oatmeal and a leaner body type you’ll like Barack. His body seems to say “I work hard, and I play hard too”. With such great abs though it may have some voters saying “work on the economy a little more, and on your rock hard bod, a little less”.

If at this point in the debate you’ve said, a) They both pulled off the motorcycles, b) Their dancing, singing and pizzaz was HOT HOT HOT (both so cute) and c) I love the male body in all forms.

Okay well the final portion is just for you. It’s a bit of a freestyle meaning there’s no defined structure. The candidates are both free to do as they wish.

Obama washes a puppy in casual business attire, his sleeves rolled up past his elbows. While doing so he describes the wicked cool pool party he’ll throw all of us if he wins. He adds “No One Percenters, only One Directioners” and is greeted with wild applause. Mitt teaches us how to build our own rocking chair out of beautiful pine wood. No offense Mitt but “teaching us how to build furniture” is a bit 2000 and late. I don’t think the average voter, with their home full of *SELF ASSEMBLED* Ikea furniture, needs your help. But Mitt saves this blunder by telling about the time he went to a “The Rolling Stones” concert and accidentally inhaled a marijuana cigarette. We laugh, love and grow a bit finding out that, just like us, Mitt, was a bit of a wild child.

Obama Washing Puppy
YouTube/Thinkstock

The debate concludes with a firework show while Slash plays a wailing version of “God Bless America” on his guitar. In the background a slideshow of Eagles, Bears and Mountains fill us with a sense of freedom. The chanting of U S A, U S A, continues into the night uniting the American people as a resilient, Never Say Never (Copyright Justin Bieber), people. Less than a month later when all the ballets are cast we look back on the night of the debate. We laugh about Mitt’s “drug debacle” and smile at the idea of a wicked cool pool party. You feel important knowing that there are people out there who will do, and say anything, just for your vote. You slip your ballet in the box, knowing that you’re voting for 4 more years of fun. Regardless of who wins you can’t wait for that pool party, or more funny “Mitt” Stories.

Fireworks
Comstock

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