Vanessa Paradis is a French singer, model and actress who became a child star at 14 with a hit song named ‘Joe le taxi’ which translates into English as…prepare to be dazzled…’Joe The Taxi Driver.’ We didn’t even have to look that up! We know. ‘Le impressive.’

Vanessa is also the, let’s call her, wife of Johnny Depp. Though they were never officially married, the couple have been together since 1998 and have two children together. Rumors say that the relationship is on the rocks. Since they aren’t really married, splitting things up like houses, cars and possessions gets really dicey. Splitting the kids will be easy, we suggest a machete and right down the middle. We shouldn’t have to point out that’s a joke but just in case THAT’S A JOKE.

The hardest thing to split up will be Johnny’s awesome clothes since half of it has to belong to Vanessa. The rest is probably just wardrobe from the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movies.