Stoner Andy’s Steps to a Perfect 4-20 Holiday
Hey, man! So, they're letting me blog again which is weird… considering the last time the company left me alone with a computer I turned it into a fully functioning hookah… but.. like–they let me do it again, so here's my blog. Today is a very special day… the holiday of holidays. Of course, I'm talking about Easter, man… nope.. wait–It's 4-20, dude. The day that is filled to the brim with tidings of little green joy. So, I figured I'd lay down exactly how to have the most successful 4-20 celebration of your life, man!
Drug Your Grandma
If you're anything like me.. then you live in your grandmother's basement, man. I've been living there for 4 years ever since I got kicked out of a group of traveling hippie-festival-goers for farting too much while I slept on the party-bus. My grandma is a mean one, dude. Often times she wakes me up by dousing my comforter with kerosine and lighting it on fire. The funny thing is… I usually don't wake up to the smoke… but to my grandma's insane diabolical laughter. She's a pistol alright… so the only way I can get away with celebrating 4-20 in the basement is to crush up several Ambien and mix it with her Metamucil. Works every time… but be forewarned, man… sometimes this makes my grandma sleepwalk –and sleepwalking grandma is much more violent than regular grandma.
Motorhead is my good buddy… and he also owns a vespa. His Vespa provides me with transportation all across Grand Rapids, man. So, if you need a ride to a party… you can also call Motorhead… but the catch is–you have to bring him into the bash with you, man and Motorhead is extremely awkward socially, dude. You can call him at his Aunt's house, man. He lives in her attic.
Seriously, man. You're gonna end up, like, wanting to bake something, dude–and the only way to make brownies and stuff is with eggs. Like… woah… eggs are weird, bro.
DO NOT Think About Spiders, Man!
Seriously, they have like… 50 eyes and like 14 legs or something man. They eat bugs too. Nothing kills your buzz like thinking about spiders, dude. NOTHING, MAN!
DO Think About Dragons, Dude.
Seriously, cuz–like… dragons are all majestic and stuff, man. You know? Well, that does it. I hope each and every one of you has an awesome super badass holiday… except all the people that tell me to die on the WGRD Facebook page, man.