I've never heard of "cranking" before this, and now I fear it's like "The Ring". I can only escape the clutches of this disturbing new knowledge by sharing with unsuspecting innocents. I apologize in advance for inflicting this upon you.

On Valentine's Day, 26-year-old Jordan Haskins was arrested for seven felony charges, after taking five vehicles awaiting repairs at the Martin Chevrolet body shop for joyrides, causing "malicious destruction of property", and "cranking".

Okay, the first part is easy to understand. He stole some SUVs and went joyriding, jumping hills, and damaging them. They were already in for repairs, so maybe he thought it wouldn't be a big deal.

"This person took some vehicles from the body shop and drove around the back lot area, damaging the vehicles and jumping over hills," Thomas Township Police Sgt. Al Fong said. "It was a joy ride."

via MLive.com

But what the hell is "cranking"?

Here's where you will stop sleeping.

"Cranking" is when someone removes spark plug wires just a certain way so a vehicle's engine will run rough...the help the pervy bastard reach sexual self-gratification.

Yep, that's right, he "cranked" some cars while cranking himself, so he could get off.

If I was one of those people who's car he stole and went joyriding in...I wouldn't want my car back. You can keep it, you disgusting creep. I don't want to think about your DNA being somewhere in my car. (Get THAT thought out of your head...go on, try!)

WTF? Seriously, WTF?

Haskins was arrested driving around in a car he stole from the city of Saginaw, which is probably COATED in DNA at this point. Burn the whole city vehicle fleet to the ground.

If you own the 2011 red Silverado, 2010 Tahoe, 2015 Silverado, or 2010 Equinox that was in for repairs at Martin Chevrolet, you might want to reconsider ever driving those vehicles again.

Oh, and this is not the first time Jordan Haskins has been in trouble for his creepy sexual proclivities. He's been to prison for trespassing, and starting up vehicles to help with his "cranking" fetish.

"Jordan would remove the spark plug wires and sit in the car and masturbate while the motor was sparking and making noises," the police report states.

via MLive.com

Oh, and he's tried to run as the Republican candidate for Saginaw's 95th District House state seat.

And you still trust the people in the government?