This past Valentine's Day, I learned a new thing. While learning something is usually good, learning what "cranking" is in the fetish world wasn't so much fun. Jordan Haskins was arrested for joyriding cars he took from a Martin Chevrolet's body shop, and pled guilty on all seven felony counts.

But is doesn't stop there.

In case you forgot what "cranking" is, this where you will stop sleeping.

"Cranking" is when someone removes spark plug wires just a certain way so a vehicle's engine will run rough...and help the pervy bastard reach sexual self-gratification.

Yep, that's right, he "cranked" some cars while cranking himself, so he could get off.

Now, the dealership is suing Mr. Pervy Bastard Haskins for $38,000. The total damages to the vehicles and property from his jaunt only came to $12,129.55...so why $38k?

They're claiming the perv:

"unlawfully converted and asserted dominance over vehicles"

via Mlive.com

YOU. CAN'T. MAKE. THIS. STUFF. UP.

He asserted his dominance over the vehicles. Does that mean jerking it while driving?

Why can't they just be honest, and say that it's a semen-surcharge? No one wants to get into those vehicles, knowing someone tossed off one in there. Super gross.