Tomorrow, everyone in the world will be out celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. That fact that the national average temperature is about 78 degrees above normal and that it’s a Saturday means that there will really be no excuse to not indulge in some type of leprechaun-themed activities. It’s nice out. You don’t have to work. So get out and enjoy yourself, but please follow my tips for a successful celebration.

1.

Eat lots of food.  The greasier and fattier the better.  Some would suggest the traditional corned beef and cabbage but let’s be honest: no one likes cabbage.  I suggest the even more traditional waffles and Kool-Aid.  You’ll most likely be out all day and you don’t want to drink on an empty stomach, which brings me to my next point...

2.

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Pace yourself.  As the saying goes, “It’s a marathon, not a sprint”.  Nothing is worse than the slob that is already passed out on the corner of the bar while the rest of the world is just finishing their morning cup of coffee.  If this is you, or has ever been you, take all necessary steps to ensure that it is not you again.  Maybe stay home all together.

3.

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DON'T get a designated driver.  Now, you may be saying to yourself “Steve, that’s a stupid and irresponsible thing to say!”.  Taken at face value, yes, it is.  But if you’re stupid enough to think that your buddy Lance is going to stay sober enough to drive your sloppy, drunk ass home, then you my friend are the stupid and irresponsible one.  Trying to find a designated driver on St. Patty’s day is an exercise in futility.  Just walk home.

4.

This may go a bit against the advice I gave in tip 1, but avoid consuming anything green that is not naturally green.  Green beer?  No.  Green Rice Krispie treats?  Uh uh.  This is a pretty good rule of thumb for everyday life as well.  If baby Jesus didn’t make it that color, leave it alone.  You’ll probably be drinking quite a bit, so you want everything you consume to be as ordinary as possible in preparation for the inevitable return it may make.  And that, folks, is a transition...

5.

...to my final tip!  If you’re planning a reunion with this morning’s breakfast, involve as few people as possible.  Know the warning signs and get to the toilet.

Keep it clean, kids.  Have a good weekend.

-steve