My Single Guy Weekend Man Adventure Part 1: Beers, Whores, Whores and Beers!
Being the single successful guy that I am (AKA- pathetic loser) I go on vacation by myself. And yes, my Single Guy Man Vacations usually involve booze, hookers, vomiting, and lots of rejection! This past weekend's Single Guy Man Trip to Clearwater Beach, Florida was no different.
7:06am- Boarded Air Tran flight 1187 to Tampa International Airport.
7:25am- Ordered first Bud Light while starring at hot flight attendants breasts. She noticed, and gave me a dirty look.
8:35am - Three beers in. Asked hot flight attendant if she had a lay over in Tampa. She said yes. Asked hot flight attendant if she wanted to meet up for drinks later that night. She said no & didn’t speak to me for the rest of the flight. Yes, I was the creepy guy that asked the hot flight attendant out. Rejected.
9:35am- Plane lands. I fart and crop dust the stupid hot flight attendant as I’m exiting the plane.
9:45am- Rental car counter. Rental car chick is hot. I’ve had 6 beers already. Ask if she wants to get drinks later that night. Rejected. Screw the rental car, I’m taking a cab.
10:30am- Arrive at Hilton Clearwater Beach Hotel. Front desk clerk is a hot half black chick with cool hair, light skin and perky potatoes popping out of her shirt. New approach. Tell her I will give her $100 if she has drinks with me later that night. She told me she was not a prostitute, gave me a dirty look and reluctantly checked me in. Rejected.
11:22am- Need to sober up. Hit breakfast buffet. My waitress was kind of beat up looking in the face but I could tell she was rocking a pretty tight body under her ugly waitress outfit. Told her I was a doctor and we should get drinks later. Rejected.
1:00pm- Sipping Vodka & grapefruit at the beach side Tiki bar. Strike up a pretty interesting conversation with a stunning brunette with rock hard abs and hot tattoos. Just about to suggest we go up to my room and take a naked dirty shower together. Just then, her dumb boyfriend arrives. Rejected.
4:30pm- After 6 beers on the plane and 8 vodka’s on the beach, I must nap.
6:00pm- Awake from nap. Shower and catch taxi to the Hard Rock Casino.
6:30pm- Arrive at casino and begin drinking heavily. Black jack. Two hours later, I’m down $800. Fail.
7:05pm- Drop beer bottle, which smashes all over casino floor. Casino pit boss asks if I’ve had too much to drink. I have. But tell him I’m fine.
8:30pm- Arrive at main bar in the casino. More beers.
8:44pm- Hot chick strikes up conversation with me. She was too hot to be talking to me, but so friendly-- I started to think this was gonna be a sure thing. Then she tells me she is a ‘working girl’ and she has a hotel room at the casino and for $300 I can nail her. I agree to those terms.
But as I’m closing out my tab, I notice her scratching her crotch. Crabs! I don’t want crabs! I tell her to wait right there I need to go to the ATM, then we can go up stairs and bang. But instead jump in a taxi and head back to my hotel Fail.
9:30pm- Back at hotel. New hot front desk chick on duty. Hit on her. Fail.
9:34pm- Hotel bar. Hot bartender chick. Asked how much she usually makes on a Friday night. She told me about $125 in tips. Told her I would pay her $200 to have sex with me in my hotel room after her shift. Rejected, and cut off.
9:50pm- Arrive at bar across street from hotel. All fat chicks. Figure why not, I’ll go hogging tonight.
11:00pm- Rejected by 4 different fat chicks. Ego bruised. Pick up two 12 packs & some Red Bull. Go back to hotel room. Continue to drink heavily.
12:00am- Begin searching internet for escorts.
12:45am- Begin calling escorts. First escort no speaka da English. Fail. Second escort wanted $400 to do me. Fail. Third escort was too far away. Fail. Fourth escort sounded like white trash gang banger want to be chick. No interest. Fail. Fifth escort said the agency would send her over and her driver /security person would wait outside the hotel room while I did her. I only deal with independent contractors. No deal. Fail.
1:00am- Back to hotel bar. Still cut off. Fail.
1:10am- Think I’ll take a peak out front of the hotel, see what kind of action is happening out there. As I’m standing on the corner, I’m approached by a 30-ish clean cut skinny man. He asks how I’m doing. I say fine. He asks where my girlfriend is. I tell him I don’t have on. He asks if I would like to hook up and have creepy gay man sex with him/ I tell him to screw off, and quickly retreat back inside the hotel and report the creepy gay man sex solicitor guy to hotel security.
1:30am- Back in hotel room. 5 beers left in the 12 pack. Vow to not go to sleep till I finish them.
3:03am- 12 pack finished. Pass out. Great first day of Single Guy Man Vacation! (except for the part about the creepy guy soliciting me for creepy gay man sex. Yuk)