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Study That Can’t Possibly Be True Reveals Men Eat Tons of Pizza to Seduce Women

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Men eat an extra-large sausage so they can share their extra-large sausage with the fairer sex.

In what may be the most mind-bending, gut-busting, libido-charging news ever, researchers at Cornell University have discovered that men eat more pizza when women are around in the hopes of impressing them. Because if there’s one thing women find irresistible it’s a man who can polish off an artery-clogging pile of Pizza Hut.

So much for the idea that you can woo a woman with chocolate.

Kevin Kniffin, who authored the study, said, “These findings suggest that men tend to overeat to show off. Instead of a feat of strength, it’s a feat of eating.”

This (extra) cheesy study concluded that “men eating with women ate 93% more pizza (1.44 more slices) and 86% more salad.” Wait — salad? Lettuce, cucumbers and balsamic vinaigrette have no place in courtship, amiright?

Anyway, the study makes no bones about the fact that gulping down a slice or two (dozen) is done in the hopes of making a woman weak in the knees:

[I]t is also plausible that the masculinity that men can demonstrate through conspicuous eating might function as a mechanism for men to enhance how attractive they are perceived by women.

We have a very tough time believing these findings, mostly because have you ever been home alone on a Friday night? That would be the ideal time to show a woman how much you can pack away, but, alas, you’re home alone and ordered a large Domino’s with cheesy bread and scarfed it down so hard you contemplated going to the ER. Maybe you should try this — there’s a chance one of the EMTs who’d bring you is kind of cute and would be turned on when you explain how you got so sick.

And unless this study was comprised of poor college students or overweight Trekkies who are afraid of women and decide to eat to avoid their lack of ability to communicate with them, there’s no way men wolf down pizza like an Ethiopian at a Vegas buffet, thinking, “This chick is so going to want to go home with me.” Women like men who can hold their liquor, not their cheesy dough.

Although that seems to be a lesson college students have not yet mastered.

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