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Loudwire Endorses Corey Taylor for President of the United States

Mat Hayward, Getty Images
Mat Hayward, Getty Images

News outlets worldwide have been announcing their endorsements throughout this current election cycle. Respected publications like The New York Times, The Huffington Post and The Chicago Tribune have each officially endorsed or disavowed a candidate, and Loudwire is joining in to formally support Corey Taylor as the 45th President of the United States.

Yes, the Loudwire staff harbors pseudo-romantic feelings for the Slipknot / Stone Sour frontman, but our support of the Great Big Mouth goes beyond schoolyard crushes. One subject widely addressed during the 2016 election has been stamina — does Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton possess the energy to run our country? Corey Taylor sure does!

Our next president has been touring tirelessly with Slipknot and Stone Sour for the past 20 years! Corey even completed a full Slipknot tour with a broken freakin’ neck! This man doesn’t just have stamina, he’s got the true grit necessary to power through rough times ahead.

Along with being one of metal’s biggest workaholics, Taylor has thrived in various fields. He’s a New York Times bestselling author with his fourth book on the way, he’s an accomplished actor in critically acclaimed films such as Fear Clinic and Sharknado 4, and he’s got a successful radio show! The man hasn’t failed in any new endeavor and would certainly take that can-do attitude straight to Washington, D.C.

Furthermore, Corey Taylor is a dedicated husband and father. Many politicians agree that family values are being lost in today’s society, and Corey’s the family man this nation deserves. Taylor’s devotion to children goes beyond any individual within our political system. Why? Because Corey Taylor cares about kids even beyond our physical realm! Just speak with the ghost children who haunt the upstairs of Corey’s house. They’ve received unconditional love and none of the paranormaphobia which runs rampant in today’s national dialogue.

How many times have you wanted to kill everything and everyone? Say you’ll do it but never will.” – Corey Taylor, “Eyeless” (1999)

Corey is tired of Wall Street’s ineffective policies toward the systematic destruction of humanity. He also doesn’t deny the issue of climate change. Therefore, Mr. Taylor will enact the “People = S—t” executive order, which will legally classify human beings as fecal matter. With this mandate in place, President Taylor will decrease methane emissions by unprecedented levels as individuals nationwide are efficiently wiped off the face of the Earth.

Finally, we need a President that the American public looks to for answers. For years, whenever Loudwire posts an article on Facebook, our readers have always wanted to know, “What does Corey Taylor think?” That can only mean they value his opinion more than any other individual in our nation.

So, what does Corey Taylor think? We actually asked Taylor himself, and our next President-elect told us what he vows to accomplish during his first 100 days in office:

In my first 100 days, As de facto President of the United States, I would:

Legalize it

Make bullets more expensive than gold

Make voting contingent on an 8th Grade education or higher

Destroy all cell phones

Drop the mic and quit

There you have it! And if you’re wondering who will take over once Corey bails after his first 100 days, the musician-turned-politician has chosen Senator Bernie Sanders as his Vice Presidential running mate.

Be sure to get out and vote tomorrow (Nov. 8) and make your votes count for the next president of these United States — Corey Motherf—king Taylor!

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