I know that could be the weirdest headline you'll read today, but when I tell you why it's there, you'll probably agree. Now, most of us have heard the nightmare stories about crazy corkscrew duck penises, and what they use them for. But that's not what this story is about.

There's an Argentine Ruddy Duck has a nine-inch corckscrew penis. But that's not the only amazing thing about their duck dicks.

New research has shown that the Ruddy ducks, who aren't good at the whole commitment thing, will grow larger penises if they have to compete with other males for the lady ducks.

Seriously, who WOULDN'T want that skill?

Just imagine: You're out at the bar, working you magic on the pretty girl next to you, when another dude comes up and stands at the bar on the other side. He starts to try to work his magic...but WAIT! Your penis suddenly grows larger, in order to tempt the lucky lady!

Think of how AWESOME that would be! It's like their penis is up for any challenger! How cool would it be if ours acted the same way! Dating would be amazing!

But then, when you get married, it'll go back to normal. The same research found that domestic ducks, the penises don't grow in competition. Those ducks marry, settle down, and have a bunch of ducklings, so big penis-itis isn't really necessary.

As long as ours don't do the creepy corkscrew thing...we can live without that.