Saturday – Day Two

10:35am- Wake up naked on hotel bed. Face crusted in drool. Massive headache. I think I got hit by a train. Jump in the shower. Vomit while in the shower. Crap, who is going to clean this up? Not me.

11:00am- Tiki Bar. Order first bloody mary. Goes down hard. Quickly order a second. That one goes down easier. Feeling better.

11:30am- Security guard strikes up conversation with me as I sit at the Tiki bar looking like death. Tells me what I need is some weed. I tell him I have none. He offers some. I ask, “ Is this a set up?” I says no, its his side business. Can’t say what I did next, but lets just say we became friends and I felt better almost immediately. 

12:15pm- Move to the pool. Can’t stand the sun. Find a nice chair under an umbrella and order a Pina Colada. Kind of fruity tooty, but I’m not ready for beer yet.

12:20pm Fat cougar at the pool strikes up conversation with me. She has a pretty face, but a blown out body with stretch marks. I’m not gonna lie, I thought about hittin it for a minute. After all, no one would ever know. But after she stood up and removed her little bathing suit cover wrap thing and I saw part of her big black hairy bush hanging out the side of the bathing suite, that thought was quickly out of my mind.

1:00 pm -. Three attractive late 20’s chicks sit down at the pool next to me. I’m sure to score with one of them. Strike up conversation. Clearly they want nothing to do with me.

1:15 pm- Stomach begins to rumble, I can feel the beer farts and know they will need to be released soon. Slow, long, thick, lingering beer farts. I let the first one rip, and its toxic. Girls begin to gag and quickly get up and jump in the pool. They return a few minutes later, and I let the second one rip. I’m gonna stick these stuck up chicks out! Didn’t go as planned. Wetty fart. Uh oh.

1:35 pm Return to room to change my pooped underpants. Tuck dirty pooped underpants behind the toilet thinking it will be a lovely treat when the maid finds them. I have no intention of taking them home. They are hers to keep forever.

2:15 pm- Return to Tiki bar. Wave to weed dealing security guard. Attractive women and her husband strike up conversation with me. They seem cool. We begin to drink quicker.

3:30 pm- Husband of attractive couple gets up to use the restroom. Attractive women then explains to me that they are “swingers” and ask if I would be interested in having drinks and doing “other stuff” with them tonight. I ask what kind of other stuff? She explains that her husband likes to watch while other guys drill her. I would be that other guy. I don’t dismiss the idea right away.

4:00 pm- Still thinking about drilling the hot wife while husband watches. Then I get a better idea. Ask attractive couple if I could just take attractive wife up to my room and drill her alone. That was of no interest to them.

5:00 pm- Wrapping things up at the Tiki Bar. About 6 bloody marys, 2 Pina Colas, and 4 beers in. Attractive swinger couple left about 30 minutes ago. Decided against that deal. Just too creepy.

5:15 pm- Think I’ll try the hooker/escort angel again. First call, I score a deal with a hot 23 year old Asian chick. She agrees to meet me at 7pm at the bar of a steak house just down the street from the hotel. Says for $200 she will have drinks with me for an hour, then make intercourse with me for up to two hours or until I’m finished, which ever comes first. That sounds like a good deal to me.

6:00 pm- Arrive at Steak House bar early, I’m gonna need more drinks in me for this. Order Vodka & Redbull.

7:15 pm- Asian hooker has not shown yet.

7:30 pm- Still no Asian hooker. I call her. Says she’s running late and will be there at 8pm. I’m good with that. More time for me to get even more boozed up.

8:30 pm- Still no Asian hooker. I call. No answer. I text, no answer.

8:45 pm- Still no Asian hooker. Call again. Voicemail.

9:00 pm- Call again. Straight to voice mail. Bitch.

9:30 pm- I’m completely hammered. Decide Asian hooker is not coming. Close my tab and leave. Fail.

9:45 pm- Hotel Bar. Bartender that hates me is there. I apologize for being rude last night. She give me a fake smile and a Bud Light. At least I’m not cut off anymore.

10:30 pm- Bud Light bottle number 3 from hot hotel bartender that hates me. I drop it on the floor. It explodes and smashes all over the floor. Gets other customers wet. Cut off again.

11:00 pm- Think I’ll go back out to the Tiki Bar and look for hot swinger couple. I just might be drunk enough to do something creepy like that. After all, hot swinger chick was pretty freakin hot and had fake boobs. They are no where to be found. But old hairy bush cougar is there. She smiles and asks me about my night. I could get her up to my room in about 3 seconds. I think about it. Then about her hairy bush hanging out of her bikini and the stretch marks on her stomach. A little vomit bubbles up in my throat. No deal. I tell her I’m going to the restroom and to wait right there for me. I leave and have no intention of coming back.

11:30 pm- Back in hotel room. Still have another 12 pack there I need to kill. Put two more beers down in about 15 minutes. Call Asian hooker again. Still straight to voicemail.

11:45 pm- Another wetty fart. Crap, that’s now two pair of underpants I ruined and will leave as a treat for the hotel maid.

Midnight- Standing over the toilet peeing. Fall over, through the shower curtain and into the bath tub. That was unpleasant.

12:30 am- Outside on the hotel room balcony smoking. I’m now too drunk to stand. Literally. Have to pee again. Decide to pee off the balcony and down on to the beach. I do. And it was just as much fun as I thought it would be.

1:00 am- Decide to jump on facebook. Blood alcohol content is probably 400%. I start writing. I post this.

“Base camp. Gold & shiny things everywhere. Still darkness surrounds me, above, below, in front, behind, on top, inside. Why are all these whores here? I hate whores. Why can't I get the booger out of my nose? I met a gypsy woman last night, she read my palm & did other hocus pocus crap with me. It was bad. Real bad. Scary bad. I'm on lock down. I just pee'd off my hotel room balcony.... It was so much fun I laughed out loud and farted. Gypsy woman didn't tell me that was gonna happen.

HSN. Home Shopping Network, but not really. HSN. I saw a dolphin today. And had 44 beers. I own it. I think something is trying to claw its way through the hotel room wall. Its probably a Laviathan. Is that how you spell Laviathan? You can't kill them you know, the Laviatans, but you can slow them down by cutting their heads off. The beach here is very white & sandy bright.

There are naked people screwing on the beach right now. I'm not screwing on the beach right now. Do you know where you go to get what you need? You go see the Swamp Devil. The swamp Devil will give you what you need. Don't worry, I'm not melting down. I'm just on single guy man vacation and having fun. I'm sure they will charge me for ripping the mini fridge out of the wall. I must sign off now, the nasty little ones with the razor teeth are almost through the wall.”

1:30 am- Decide to lay down and close my eyes for 5 minutes. Then finish off the last of the 12 pack I have. I never gain consciousness again.

Sunday Morning.
11:00am- Crap! I’m late to the airport! Throw my crap into my suitcase, leave dirty poopy underpants for maid to find. Catch a taxi out front to the airport. And just like that, Single Guy Man Vacation is done! Now that was a good time!