Are you a cucumber fan? Don't be gross -- what we mean is, do you enjoy a light cucumber sandwich every once in a blue moon, or a couple cukes in your salads? Well listen up-- switch to organic. NOW. We just got word of some awful news; the genetically-modified ones can make your junk bald.

According to a study done by AgriSearch, eating GMO Monsanto cucumbers has been shown to cause "total groin hair loss and chafing in 'sensitive areas'." Pre-study, the first victims of this side-effect were farm mice and cats, who lost their fuzz after snacking in the fields. (That'll teach those varmints a lesson, we suppose.)

Then, people started showing signs of hair loss during a focus group study, causing Nova Scotia to fully ban Monsanto cucumbers. These effects caught the attention of Director of Public Health Research at Dalhousie University, Dr. Nancy Walker: "3/4 of the people who ate these cukes had their crotch area hair fall out. This is not a joking matter at all...these people now have hairless heinies." We repeat-- this is NOT a joking matter at all. Snicker.

It sounds like this stuff is only going on in Canada right now, so there's no need to really panic just yet. Unless you're eating imported Monsanto cucumbers from Canada on that salad, in which case, we hope your lady is ready for a trip to Brazil. Get it. Get it. Eh?