The Best Thing About ArtPrize Is…
Not afraid to admit that I know jack s___ about art. That's why it struck me as odd when station management approached me about reviewing entries for Art Prize. I immediately pleaded ignorance. “There's nudes” I was told. SOLD! I'm in. So as your newly acclaimed GRD art critic, I JT (pronounced “Zhay Te” from hence forth) recently explored all art prize submissions with a critical eye. I roamed the art enriched terra-firma and embraced the spirit of untethered abstract expressionism with the goal being, to strike my judgement with a balance of structure and accident, restraint and recklessness, deliberation and instinct…ah hell, this is bunch of BS. Who am I fooling – I basically just looked around for exposed ladies and gave them a (1-5) “Tater” rating.
I began by seeking out entries containing scumbled gestures that one could construe as being messy, yet contain an inexorable language of longing….ok, I really can't bore with you with anymore pompous ass-like speak cause in reality, I think of myself NOT as an art critic but more-or-less a Nipple critic. That's why after viewing “This Mortal Coil” (or as I commonly call it “Waxy Wonkers”) I felt compelled to test it for elasticity & symmetry. The piece fails miserably at both. Tater rating = 1.1 Taters.
I dare say you can never have too many scantily (iron) clad ladies. in an art competition. There is just something about armor adorning breasts that rock. The piece gets low scores however on over-all breast size but the adding the sickly cool armor elevates it's score to slightly above average. Tater rating = 2.9 Taters
Because we need to be representin' our plus-size entries & show em some love too, I present to you…um….crap, I forgot to write down the name of the entry. No matter. Big puppies = big scores. Tater rating = 3.1 Taters
This piece gets bonus points because a) It features “under” cans and b) Well, she stares at me everyday when I get out of the elevator at work. Argue with me on whether or not the piece needs to be more revealing but damn it she hauntingly stares at me….creepily enough for me to give the piece a high score. Tater Rating: 4.1 Taters
Well, we arrive at the Masterpiece. The Coup de gras of cans at Art Prize this year. I'm gonna spare you any unruly commentary as you can plainly see – it's a chick baring her breasts. Now that my friend, is Art!