Best Of Recoil Magazine – May 23rd

St. Louis, Mo. – Mentally disturbed and dangerously violent Charter Communications cable technician Joe Lynch is expected to arrive at his scheduled repair job and murder someone between the hours of 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. today.

New York, N.Y. – Wall Street markets were down Tuesday in the wake of a surprise announcement from bullshit manufacturers that the flagship American export will soon no longer be packaged into bunches. “What a bunch of bullshit,” said regional bullshitter Rusty Sanchez, echoing the exact grammatical grouping that will soon no longer be available domestically or abroad.

Culver City, Calif. – In an effort to reinvent itself as a thriving metropolitan center, Culver City, Calif., has sought out ‘80s music ensemble Starship to provide a series of urban development recommendations. Says Mayor Gary Silbiger, “Although Culver is now ninety years old, our population sits at a mere thirty-nine thousand people. We need to build this city, and if anyone knows how to meet that goal, it’s the civic-minded partnership of Grace Slick, Mickey Thomas, Craig Chaquico and Donny Baldwin.”

Winston-Salem, N.C. – Gabriel Townsend, 25, realized Tuesday during his nightly viewing of Top Gear reruns that the channel he had previously thought was reserved exclusively for airing non-stop episodes of the car-oriented television show is actually BBC America, a cable channel that sometimes shows programs other than Top Gear, Townsend told reporters. “I usually watch Top Gear from the time I get home until the time I go to bed,” said Townsend. “Every time I’ve ever turned on channel one thirty eight, Top Gear has always been on, but this weekend I turned it on and saw that they were airing an episode of Doctor Who. I was flat-out confused until I turned on the guide and noticed that the channel is not the Top Gear channel at all, but is actually called BBC America."

New Brunswick, N.J. – At Johnson & Johnson Corporation’s annual shareholders meeting Monday night, company officials expressed excitement regarding its ongoing test-marketing of GorgeDerm, a revolutionary new weight-loss patch which developers claim can help patients lose significant amounts of weight by curbing their ability to eat.

Side-effects Include Improved Marital Relations