Best Of Recoil Magazine – May 16th

Merritt Island, Fla. – NASA officials told reporters Tuesday that it is still too early to gauge how effective the recently launched Mercury space probe Distractor will be in bringing about a resolution to the escalating conflict in Syria.

Kalamazoo, Mich. – Local husband James Myers, 34, struggled Sunday to predict how many times he’d have to ask before his wife Lena would end her silent standoff and unleash upon on him the inevitable torrent of anger, frustration and utter ire that’s been eating at her all day even though she won’t admit it. While it was unclear what had precipitated this instance of his wife’s internal rage – which is nearly always followed by the eventual eruption of yelling, blaming and name-calling – Myers admitted that the actual moment of catharsis is impossible to anticipate or instigate. “I can’t tell how close it is, ever."

Hollywood, Calif. – Fans of legendary grunge band Nirvana gathered at a Hollywood Tower Records store shortly before midnight Monday night to be the first to hear and buy Lost, a new collection of previously unreleased Nirvana tracks that fans and critics alike agree had remained previously unreleased for good reason.

Kissimee, Fla. – Confused Wells Fargo Bank teller Gary Langlois failed to misappropriate company funds in his favor last week when the 22-year-old placed several of the bank’s accounting ledgers into the break room microwave in an attempt to “cook the books,” bank officials reported Thursday.

Cambridge, Mass. – Sources close to string theorist Brian Greene told sources Monday that, contradictory to his insistence, Greene’s recent work in string theory does not really seem all that exciting. “Last night at a dinner party, Brian started describing some of the ‘exciting new developments’ in his work as a string theorist, which, honestly, none of us found terribly exciting,” said Walter Perry, Greene’s neighbor.