Best Of Recoil Magazine — April 25

Washington, D.C. – An annual report released this week by the U.S. Conference of Mayors shows that an increasing number of homeless people throughout the country are being replaced by lazier, less-efficient robots.

Greenfield, Ill. – Area restaurant manager Greg Tolan experienced complete bafflement Wednesday night while attempting to operate friend Eric Peterman’s entertainment center via the console’s three remote control units.

Setting out upon the open water can be both an exciting an relaxing summer activity. Here are some tips for getting the most from your aquatic experience:

• Men should don a captain’s hat, so readers will know right away that this particular MMFF hardcore series has a nautical theme.

Long Island, N.Y. – New reports out of Long Island have determined that the Spice Girls t-shirt belonging to 32-year-old record store clerk Denny Clarke-Miller is no longer being worn ironically. “A couple of years ago when Denny bought the shirt, we all thought it was hilarious, because it was obvious he felt the band was really lame,” said fellow employee Melissa Lynd. “But lately he’s kinda mellowed out because of his new girlfriend, and seems a lot more accepting of things he used to label as crap.”

Miami, Fla. – David Foster, a quiet-mannered, 56-year-old tax attorney who has for decades spent the majority of his money and free time employing fetish-friendly prostitutes to tie him down and berate, spank and whip him, revealed Thursday that his overwhelming fondness for bondage was something he was naturally born into.