6 Things You Need For a Successful Night of Drinking – Dahmer’s Guide to Living Like Dahmer
Any of you guys ever have boring weekend after boring weekend? Why don't you nut up, you big pussies, and blow it out the right way?! The Dahmer way! (And yes, I know, I'm a big-talker-Betty-Crocker.) Here are my 6 recommendations of things you need for a night of debauchery to happen in a proper fashion.
A Pocketful of Cash
Here's one way for the broke-as-balls among you all to obtain cash: Break into a fancy hotel, steal the gumball machines, and break 'em open. It's a good way to get about $20 or $30. Not that I've ever done that (seven times).
A Belly Full of Food
I recommend dining and dashing. Sports bars are the best – they're usually so loud and noisy you can slip out 10 minutes before the waitress even notices you're gone.
Use your new funds to obtain a small-to-medium sized bag of a certain green substance, and a medium-to-large sized bag of a certain white substance. It's not for you, stoner. It's bait. Stripper bait. We will get to the stripper part soon, but lets just say nothing will get a stripper to make intercourse with you quicker than a couple bags of illegal substances.
Lots of Booze
Some people say, “You don't need to drink to have fun.” Those people are liars. You are going to need a lot of booze. A fear-and-loathing amount of booze.
Hot, Young, Tight, Fresh, Dirty, Juicy, Easy Chicks
Troll a few bars and throw a few lines out. Remember fat chicks are easier than skinny chicks. Fat chicks are not my thing, but if you don't mind a little hoggin, knock yourself out bro! Remember: Free strange is better than hired strange. But don't burn too much of the night trolling the bars. Remember, you still have the stripper bait!
Strip clubs & $40 handy-dandies in the champagne room!
If you can't pull any strange out of the local bars, get your ass over to the nearest strip club. Ninety-nine percent of strippers will make sex to you with the simple offer of the aforementioned substances. (the green & white) Here's an idea: Have her do drugs off your penis. And if for some reason you can't get a dirty stripper to make hammer-time with you, then it's hooker-time! Don't be shy, getting a hooker is nothing to be ashamed about. Its a good honest business. You're drunk and want to pound some hot tail, and she's got to cover her Boost Mobile bill and will most likely get as dirty as ya like for under $100! Since you can no longer score hookers or escorts on Craiglist, best place to find them now is backpage.com (so I've been told) After drilling your hooker for an hour or so, slip some cash into her hand, give her a nice affectionate pad on the ass and send her on her way. Whip yourself up a nice Excedrin and Alka Seltzer smoother, pound that bitch, and pass out. Now that, was a good night!