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5 Halftime Shows I’d Rather See Than Madonna

I always wince when the announcement comes down as to will be performing at the Superbowl. Such was the case when Madonna was announced. I'd rather taze my nads then sit through a set of songs from the material girl, wtf. Matter of fact, I can't think of any halftime show I've given a crap about. Remember the Stones? Good gawd that was pathetic. So it's with great pleasure I present to you the Top 5 Halftime Shows I'd rather see than Madonna.


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5

That Chick on Modern Family who is married to Al Bundy:

 
 

NOT to sing or dance mind you. She just simply walks out onto the stage and jumps rope for several minutes. Meanwhile, sneaking in from across the stage enters one Justin Timberlake and suddenly BAM! Wardrobe malfunction! All in High Def! Thank you NFL.

 
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4

Courtney Love:

 
 

Picture this. The announcer bellows "Ladies and Gentlemen....Courtney Love". Courtney begins her blabbering wailing and horrendous guitar mashing when all of a sudden a mysterious figure crosses the stage, rears back and punches Courtney right in the _________(insert part of body you'd like to see punched here) BAM! Crowd goes wild and the world is done a favor. Now....who could be our mysterious figure who crosses the stage and ends our misery???? Mmmmm...OH, I know! Lets get Chaz Bono to do it, she's a really cool guy.

 
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3

Ndamukong Suh:

 
 

Suh stomps all over Aaron Rodgers & Drew Brees on stage. Sorry, this one is just for nothing but personal reasons as both the aforementioned QB's consistently kicked the hell out of my Fantasy Football teams all season causing me extensive financial damage.

 
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2

Hagar vs Roth:

 
 

Now how cool would it be to have Van Halen on stage jamming away. From stage right you witness Diamond David Lee Roth poorly attempting backwards scissor kicks. Suddenly, from stage left enters another microphoned clad gentlemen. What is this? Could it be? Yes it is! Why it's The Red Rocker Sammy Hagar all liquored up on his Sammy tequila. What a great prank pulled by the Van Halen brothers as they musically traverse between Runnin' with the Devil and "This Is Love" laughing the whole time. Meanwhile Wolfpuck or Wolfgang (or whatever the hell his name is) Van Halen cowers in the corner of the stage while horrible memories of sitting on Uncle Sammy's lap as a kid fill his head.

 
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1

Puppy Bowl Highlights:

 
 

Oops, should've been more specific. I meant "sweater" Puppy Bowl highlights. Pretty sure you don't need an explanation nor a reason NOT to watch.

 

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